Sitting at His Feet

May 21, 2012

It’s crazy how quickly time passes, and nowadays, I often feel like I’m just floating through the day. It’s weird…it’s not like I’m sitting around doing nothing. Most of the time my days are jam-packed with activities with the kids, cleaning, cooking, disciplining children, and cleaning some more. But half of the time when Hayden comes home from work and asks me how my day was, it takes me a minute to even remember what I did! I’m pretty sure I’m losing massive amounts of brain cells right now because I’m always so tired…oh well. Who needs ’em? 

Needless to say, I was so very thankful this past weekend when my parents came and stayed with the kids, so Hayden and I could get away for a few days. We stayed at my parents’ land in west texas, and let me tell you…there is nothing like the silence of a west texas ranch to make you miss your baby. I miss Mary all of the time, but something about being out in the middle of nowhere makes it much more difficult to ignore the achiness inside. When I’m home with three rambunctious toddlers and a messy house, there’s little to no time to reflect on how I feel or how my heart is towards God. I think that sometimes being busy and distracted is a blessing in times of grief, and for me, is part of God’s way of helping me move forward. However, it can also become very problematic. When I don’t take time to daily sit alone with my Father–to let him shed light on the dark parts of my heart, to replace the sadness with joy, the hardened places with soft places, and the lies of the world with the truth of his word–then the yucky stuff inside just sits and festers. And most often, it takes root and starts to manifest in the way I live, and the way I think about God and about everything around me.

While I was at the ranch with unlimited time to read and talk to God, I had to ask myself: why don’t I daily sit at his feet? Am I indifferent? Am I hiding from him? Am I running from the sadness and hurt I feel when I think about Mary? Even feelings of betrayal sometimes. And God graciously led me to the beginning of Judges 6, when the Lord appears to Gideon and says, “‘The LORD is with you, O mighty man of valor.'” and Gideon responds, “‘Please sir, if the LORD is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all his wonderful deeds that our fathers recounted to us, saying, ‘Did not the LORD bring us up from Egypt?’ But now the LORD has forsaken us and given us into the hand of Midian.'” I know that in reality he has never left us or forsaken us, but those are the kinds of things I begin to feel when I don’t consciously fight them with the truth.

Then, a few verses down Gideon asks the angel of the Lord (most people agree this is the pre-incarnate Christ) for a sign that he was actually talking to God. So Gideon makes him food and the angel of the Lord touches it with his staff and it’s consumed with fire, and then he disappears. “Then Gideon perceived that he was the angel of the LORD. And Gideon said, ‘Alas, O LORD GOD! For now I have seen the angel of the LORD face to face.’ But the LORD said to him, ‘Peace be to you. Do not fear; you shall not die.’ Then Gideon built an altar there and called it, The LORD Is Peace.”

Gideon’s encounter with Christ is such a beautiful reminder to me that when we do our part to come to God in honesty, with our questions and doubts, asking to see him as he truly is, He will show us (James 1:5). It can be terrifying because he is glorious, an all-consuming fire, and holy…and we have so much junk to bring to him. But in the end, like Gideon, we are left with his peace and more of him. And really, that’s all we need.

I’m finding that the very best thing, and yet sometimes one of the most painful things, is to allow God to flay open my heart to expose all that is within, and to trust in him as He turns the carnage into something beautiful. Only he can do that. We can try to patch ourselves up with other things…but only he can take the brokenness and make it glorious.

So may we all sit at his feet, and lay our hearts on his altar trusting him to do what’s best. Trusting him to heal us, even if it means we have to be broken again first. He won’t fail us, even though we fail him. He won’t abandon us, even though we abandon him a hundred times a day. He will fight for us, even when we don’t fight for him. And may the truth of his might and love move us to worship, adore and serve him always.

In His love,
Amanda

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3 Responses to “Sitting at His Feet”

  1. Kay Moss said

    Amanda you are such a beautiful woman of God…thanks for sharing…peace ,joy and love to you and your precious family..keeping you in my prayers!

  2. Christa said

    I heard God’s message for me through your post. Thank you for sharing Amanda. Continued prayers for you and your sweet family. xoxo
    Christa

  3. I am in awe at the ways the spirt works in and through us to share his desires and will with others around us. I know that my stresses and problems we are facing right now are nothing to the loss you have faced this year, however, you words were just what I needed to hear! Praying for you and think of you often. Thanks for sharing and being a vessel for His glory. Hugs and Love ~ Melissa

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